Confession of A Lost Soul

It is getting harder and harder trying to mix with people you cannot get along with.
I probably should not be here at the first place.

This days, I have problem communicating with people around me. It is hard for me to comprehend what they are saying and I have hard time speaking my mind out. We just do not speak the common language or maybe I should put it this way, I suck at Mandarin. As time passes by, I found that my low-level of Mandarin cost me a lot.

At times, when I am in a crowd that speaks mandarin, they will be talking and laughing while I try my best guessing what the heck were they talking about. I would have to pretend that I understand while I laugh along with them. I feel like an idiot laughing along when I do not understand and I feel like an idiot if I did not laugh while they joked.

Meeting and serious conversation was worst. All I know was just simple Mandarin!
Of course, I have improved a lot since I first enter UPM. In my first year, I was not able to speak or understand Mandarin at all. After one semester, I can understand and speak with my coursemate. They were really suporttive.

Anyway, as I was saying, I had hard time understanding the agendas and also what were being discussed during meetings. It would be very troublesome to have any one of them to translate specially for me. Most of the time, I will just sit down and listen, trying my best to understand and give a bit of feedback in my broken Mandarin plus English or Malay. At certain point, I would be disheartened to continue and won't be bothered at all. It is not like I do not want to be a part of it, I just don't fit in the puzzle!

I am just not part of this world. I belong elsewhere. Probably a place where I can speak my mind out, in a language I am more proficient with, Cantonese and English or maybe Malay. Of course, it would have to be someone who I can speak comfortably with and think alike.

Human are social creature, they need to communicate in order to live.
I am one lost soul hanging there in a world I cannot get along with. There are parts of this world that I think I can get along but I guess it is too late for me to join them. I'm stuck here and I won't be getting out anytime soon.

As I was telling my other friend about this, she said that I was too picky.
She was probably right.
Another firend of mine, a guy said that I was too self-centered.
He was probably right too.

I am sick of fitting myself to others.

I think I will stop being picky by not picking at all and stop being self-centered by not relating myself to anyone. Imma be a lone wolf, things are so much easier to handle by doing it alone.
Ironically, wolves often hunt in a crowd. I am probably the odd one that strays from the pack.

I know, complaining would not do any good but sometimes you just can't help but to do so.
Being a guy, we often only look for solutions when problems arise.
Since I am stuck with this world and I can't help with it, I will just continue tagging along and at the same time trying to look for a world that suits me here in UPM.
Worse come to worse, I still have my buddies outside of UPM. I could probably meet them once a month or two but at least that helps.

I still love my buddies in UPM, it is just that I am the odd one out of them. They are nice people. They try their best accommodating me with them. I am really grateful of them for being patient and helpful teaching me Mandarin from scratch. They have helped me a lot in UPM.

The truth remains that I am in my own little world. Very different from what they think and a bit hard to comprehend even to myself.

There is a saying that goes "when in doubt, ask".
I am having doubts here and I asked, the problem is we just don't speak in the same language and they was no answers to it. I am still lost.

=(

Listening to
이토록 아름다운

By
SG Wannabe

Album
My Friend

Craving leads to Suffering

You know, sometimes when you see something, you will feel like getting it and owning it. Even if you don't need it, you still crave for it.
I hate that feeling.

I was surfing lowyat forum and then I come across this.

Fossil Men’s Stainless Steel Orange Accented Chronograph (CH2544)

There is this guy in lowyat forum is selling this at RM290. Original price is around RM459.
What a bargain!
Then again, I reminded myself to not to crave for it. I already have watch to use. Therefore, getting another one is a waste of resource (money).
Secondly, I guess I should save my money for something more essential, a laptop.

My lappy is dying and it can't be fix. The keyboard becomes unresponsive and I would have to shutdown the computer manually by removing the power source. It couldn't even shutdown properly this days. It is freaking slow to the extend that I couldn't do much work with it, i.e graphic design with photoshop. Argh.

All I need now is a decent laptop. I don't think I want to ask for it but trying to get one by myself with no time to work part time making it an impossible effort in a short period. As of now, I just hope that my laptop could last for another 4 semesters.

Buddy, please don't die on me!

=/

Listening to
You...

By
Song Seung Heon

Album
Sad Sonata OST - 2nd Project

Joy of a Little Man

I take pride and joy lending a hand to those who I consider significant to my life.
Some might not be as significant compared to others but it is still worthwhile.
Don't get me wrong though. I ain't a nobleman or good Samaritan that helps anyone and everyone for nothing.

Around 3 weeks ago, I went back to St.John's to help out with 2009 Lower Six admission. The only reason why I would spend hours in traffic just to reach St.John's early in the morning and getting less than minimum sleeping hours is to help my beloved teacher, Mrs. Cheng. There is so much to say about Mrs. Cheng that it could have be a few post dedicated just for her. We will leave that for next time.

In that one week of admission, a number of us came back to help. Of course, this is all done on voluntarily basis. Marcus Tan, who came back almost every year to talk to the new Lower Sixers came back again this year. His partner Kuan Ming and Venu could not make it this year because they have to work. This year, we have a additional helper, Jeremy who is just done with Form Six last year.

Jeremy and I would do the paperwork while Marcus wil be giving speech in front of the Lower Sixers. With that, Mrs. Cheng would have less work to do and she can teach according to her usual timetable and handle the intake.

While I couldn't be there for the whole one week, I'm still happy that I did play a role in helping out, not only Mrs.Cheng but also the new intake of Lower Sixers. Helping those "lost sheep" who transfer from other school, those from St.John's itself and those who were sent from their previous school ....
It might not seem much but it really made my day for that one week.

A few days ago, I went back to St.John's to celebrate teachers day. Our school choose to celebrate it on the day before school holiday. When I was there, I went back to look at the lower sixers and it seems to me that they are enjoying with their new friends in their new class. Looking at how they are enjoying themselves really makes all those hardship worthwhile.
I was also envious of them because they get to spend their next 1 1/2 years enjoying in St.John's and in Lower Six. I'm really missing my days in Lower Six and in St. John's. So I wish that I could join this bunch of Lower Sixers and have fun. So I wish....

Anyway, being remembered or not, significant or not, it doesn't matter.
I personally hope that this act of helping others will be succeeded by future juniors. To help but not wishing anything in return. If everyone could do such thing, the world would be a better place.

Being Pembantu Universiti(PU) for UPM is also another way of helping the juniors who just got enrolled into UPM. We might have to undergo a pointless camp with sucky food and getting little to no sleep during the orientation week but at the end of it, it was worth our dedication. PU camp and UPM orientation week also known as Minggu Perkasa Putra (MPP) is another part of a story that can be written in a few post! Maybe I'm going to blog on it when I feel like writing.

Until then, I will just stop rambling for now.

=)

Listening to
The Johannians Spirit Lives On

By
St. John's Institution

Album
St. John's Institution Anthems

Courtesy Is The Best Policy

"No one is too big to be courteous, but some are too little."

Damn right.
No one is too big to be courteous. It does not matter if you are a some big shot in the world, be it politician, government official or even the president itself. You still have to be courteous to the people around you, no matter from what background they are form, be it a janitor or a poor kid from the ghetto.

Think about it. Have you been so self-centered and and forgot to be courteous to people around you in daily life?

Remember the clerk at the counter?
Did you greet her and thank her when she helped you at the counter?

Remember the bus driver who drives you around everyday?
A word of thanks for his or her hard work?

Remember the janitor who cleans up the toilet for your comfort?
Ever think of the hard work? Thank for the tissue paper?

Think about it. What they do might be a small part in your life but we should be grateful and thankful as their effort makes your life goes on comfortably.

A word of thanks or a greet might made their day.

"Courtesy is a small act but it packs a mighty wallop”

Think again.

=)

Listening to
Aku dan Dirimu

By
Ari & Bunga

Album
The Best of Ari Lasso

Should Religion or Books to define Good and Bad

The other day, I was "debating" with a friend on morality.

Whenever topics on morality or ethics are debated, we will somehow end up talking on religion.
Religion are often being used as a tool to distinguish what is morally right and what is not. Usually, there is a set of rules written in scriputres of different religion. All this rules are made in a way that teaches us, humans to be morally right or to be good, according to their distinctive religion.

I was pouring my idea on how Christianity has a very good "system" and "marketing" scheme. For example, every Sunday, Christians will be going to Church to praise their God and at the same time learn to live with their fellow Christians. They have Sunday class for the children of different age. Besides that, "marketing" was done very well. They would invite friends who aren't Christian to come along to their activities, with good intention to show them the true path, according to their interpretation that is.

This clear cut system are also "tried and tested". See, there is a lot of good Samaritans out there and a lot of them are Christians who are to say, an output of this "system". One example would be Brother Lawrence of St.John's Institution. He had two term with St. John and he has dedicated all his life to educate children in Malaysia. Being a Canadian didn't stop him from helping childrens of different nationality and he is a Christian.

From that, I conclude that Christian can be the religion to guide the young ones on what is right and what is wrong. I was fast to put a dot on religion being the best tool to distinguish good and bad.

That is when she came up with her thoughts. Rather than telling me on how a person can learn how to know what is right and wrong, she told me how she was taught to define good and bad.
With books.

For all I know, she was taught to read at a very young age and ever since, she has been reading a lot of books. That is where her idea of what is right and wrong came to her. I was told that she was given to read books that has moral values and she keep those values with her.
I thought it was a great idea. Instead of having religion to tell you what is right and what is wrong, why not decide it yourself base on books that you have written. Of course, this is a harder way because people don't read that much and often, going to church or temple are much easier.

It's 2.30 a.m and I have to get ready early in the morning. To summarize it, people are divided in this world with 2 things, skin color and religion. One fine day when we mix around so much that there isn't anymore white, black or any skin colour whatsoever. What is left is mix of Asian and African skin perhaps? That's when we will be divided with our belief in religion. If at that time we don't define good and bad with religion but with values we learn from book, maybe we won't be different anymore and there wouldn't be anymore bloodbath betweeen religion.

Think about it. I should start reading more. So should you.

=)

PERPLEXED

**WARNING**
-content full with gibberish rambling-

They always say that the one who know you the most is yourself.
I'm starting to doubt that.

I really don't know myself now.
What kind of person am I?
Cruel? Cold? Funny? Selfish? Caring? Sociable?

The best person that can tell for sure would not be myself but someone who is close to me.
Now comes the question, who?
Who is that close friend who can tell me for sure what kind of person am I?
You know, I don't think there is. Really.

It is necessary to have that someone? I don't know.
Probably though coz I can't judge myself anymore. I don't know how to judge.

Now that SO MUCH had happen, I really don't know how to face reality and I dare not to commit the same mistake anymore. In the end, the loss outweigh the gain. Why bother losing? Might as well not starting it at the first place.

Maybe I was curious back then.
Maybe I was blinded.

Whatever it is, what is done is done and lessons had been learned. I just need a little more time to ponder. For all I know, times heals everything. Be it pain, suffering, sickness or hollowness.

And when everything is cool, that is when I will lose my guard. For now, I'm on guard, constantly reminding myself to not to think of anything silly and hoping for something stupid irrationally.

Until then, that one fine day, I will reflect on myself, and get to know anyone for an extended period of time before judging on that particular person. Before judging another person, you should judge yourself. So they said.

Therefore, judge thyself, though thy couldn't but thy could ask someone else.
Until that person comes into picture...

=(

Listening to
Kimi ni Aitakute

By
Gackt

Album
Love Letter

Of Random Topics and Conversation

The kinds of topic that I can come up and have a conversation with people can be random. From religion to honesty. Presidential candidates to love relationship. Tom Hanks to Gandhi. Conversation to topics.

I'm a person that watch Discovery Channel and read interesting articles from Digg. I'm fascinated by science and I just love to expand my general knowledge. Digg also provides me with interesting facts and not to mention "stupidity" that happens around the globe.

When you have all this knowledge with you, you will have that tendency to share and talk about it and there lies the problem.

To whom?

"Religion is a double-edged sword. Religion induce faith and faith makes people strong. Faith give you that drive to do something, that can be both good or bad. Faith helps you to overcome hard times. Faith also pushes those to pursue holy act like suicide bombing."

"John McCain and Barrack Obama, the most well talked about US Presidential candidates that will most likely get the post this coming election scheduled November 4, 2008. Obama has choosen Joe Biden as his vice-president, an experienced senator who has been around for quite some time while McCain has choosen Sarah Palin, Alaska Governor which has a lot of scandals around her. One of is her being unable to quote the souce of her quotes."

"Tom Hanks. I just love his movie. The Terminal, how he got stuck in a airport when his country is in war, making him a person that does not has a nationality. Forrest Gump, story of a man and his epic journey through life meeting historical figures, influencing popular culture and experiencing first-hand historic events of the 20th century while being largely unaware of their significance due to his low intelligence. Cast Away, a FedEx employee who is stranded on an uninhabited island after his plane goes down over the South Pacific. "

"Honesty is the best policy. How true is that? If you are honest and say words that can hurt a person, is that a good thing? Of course, being honest is for the best but hurting others feeling and making them to hate you, are that what you want? Or would you rather tell white lies to make them feel better and to keep the relationship? Well, the conclusion that I came up with is honesty depends on two thing, one is importance of that person to you, whether the truth should be told or not and the other factor is the situation, where at times, you have to tell white lies to save your ass or to console a person."

Again, to whom am I suppose to talk all this to?
I'm sure there are someone out there whom I can share all this with but up until this moment, I cannot find one in UPM.

Luckily, at times, my eldest sis will listen to me and she will have her share of interesting topics, mainly on economics and health. My other two sisters will sometimes listen too.

But, the issue here is to have someone around me, preferably in UPM, to have all this conversation. People around me there talks about different things. Just no my cup of tea. Luckily enough, I got to know a few friends from PU camp that I *think* I can talk this with. At least with them, I can express myself better and freely, mainly because we converse in English. Too bad they stay far away and we don't get to meet too much. They are in different faculty too.

Oh well, life still goes on and I will continue to seek.
Till that day comes...

=|

Listening to
背叛 (Bei Pan)

By
Cao Ge

Album
Superman

Anyone?

First post for the new semester.
Not something I thought I would write in my blog.

Here is the deal.
I have a confession to make.
In my entire lifetime up until now, I do not have someone that I can talk to from bottom of my heart. None.

When I have problems, I keep it to myself.
When I am moody, I seek to be alone.
When I am sad, I go to sleep, hoping to forget both cause and pain
When I am stress, I go crazy by mumbling and do silly stuff.

What I am asking isn't much.
All I am asking is for is someone I can speak my heart to without worrying anything, that are willing to spare time to share, give and take of course and keeping in touch frequently.
How come I see people with a best friend that he/she can talk everything with but I cannot find one?

I'm tired. Tired of trying to get stuff done all alone.

There is so much more to say and write but it is just not appropriate to write it here.
I think I am showing sign of weakness by writing this here.
Hopefully for the last time.

Time to sleep. And forget all about this post.

=|

Listening to
Tapi Bukan Aku

By
Kerispatih

Album
Kenyataan Perasaan

Glasses Makes You Look Better

It has been some time now that I feel that having glasses is cool.
I'm sure those who wear glasses are sure to argue with me that having glasses isn't as cool as it seems and is damn inconvenient.

You have to bring it along all the time. You have to pay for the damn thing. You have to take good care of it. It doesn't come cheap.

Well, my friend, now let me tell you a good news.
Glasses does make you look better.
Here's how.




Priceless huh?
See glasses are cool.
Imma go get one. Maybe.

=)

Listening to
Because I Don't Love (사랑하지 않으니까요 )

By
Brian (Fly To The Sky)

Album
The Brian

Al Bhed Translator!

It has been 3 week since my holiday and I've been spending my days doing sports, playing games and surfing the net. As I was surfing, I came across this program, Al Bhed to English Translator.

For those who has no idea what Al Bhed is, do kindly read a quick fact below.

The Al Bhed are a faction of technologists in the role-playing games Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy X-2. They are notable for their use of machina (prohibited by the games' dominant Yevon religion) and the Al Bhed language that they speak, and can be recognized by the green spiral pattern visible on the irises of their eyes.

Source: Final Fantasy Wiki

The Al Bhed language is a fictional language that, apart from the main protagonist who may learn it, is spoken only by the Al Bhed people themselves. Although it seems at first like a foreign language, it is actually a cipher, a system of transposing certain letters for others. It shares the same syntax and grammar of English.

Here is how to convert English to Al Bhed:

English: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Al Bhed: YPLTAVKREZGMSHUBXNCDIJFQOW

For example, "you" in English is rendered as "oui" in Al Bhed:

• Y → O
• O → U
• U → I

Certain keywords are not translated into Al Bhed in the game. Most keywords are proper nouns, but some common nouns also are not translated, such as "fiend" ("Y fiend! Eh risyh teckieca!" / A fiend! In human disguise!), "magic" ("Ouin bnaleuic magic yht Aeons yna caymat" / Your precious magic and Aeons are sealed), and "airship".

Now that I've explain what Al Bhe is all about, it's time to have some fun!I'll continue writing in Al Bhed language. To those who are interested to read on, you *can* translate it manually via the reference up there OR download Al Bhed <-> English translator from here!

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Ryjehk hudrehk paddan du tu, E taletat du pmuk icehk Ym Prat du Ahkmecr dnyhcmydun bnuknys du fneda y pmuk. Du druca fru luimth'd lyna macc, drao'mm pa clnydlrehk draen rayt dnoehk du vekina uid fdv ec drec. Yc vun druca fru duug dra avvund du tufhmuyt dra bnuknys yht luhjandat Ym Prat myhkiyka du Ahkmecr, luhknydimydeuhc. Oui zicd kad maynh y haf fyo du caht ahlnobdat saccyka. =)

Ed sekrd caas icamacc yht cemmo pid ed luimt lusa ryhto yd desac. Esykeha, fnedehk muja maddan du ouin lnicr yht ryja res/ran dnyhcmyda ed syhiymmo un ev oui'na geht-rayndat ahuikr, bnujeta res/ran dra cysa cuvdfyna. Drec femm syga drehkc cbaleym padfaah oui dfu, Dryd ec uv luinca ev ra un cra pudranat du tu cu un ryt cysa vaamehk dufyntc oui. Un syopa oui yld mega oui'na cusa vunaekhan yht cdynd cbaygehk cilr (un doba eh drec lyca) myhkiyka fedr yhudran vneaht eh vunis un ENL. E's eh yhofyo, hud nacbuhcepma ev oui fana du kad gelg vnus dra lryhham po cbaygehk cusa ymeah myhkiyka. Drana'c duhc uv fyo du ryja vih fedr drec drehk. Aqbmuna ed ouincamv!

Drec ec y sicd ryja duum vun Vehym Vyhdyco vyhc. Ed'c uhmo 64GP. Cu csymm, oui kuhhhy lno hud ryjehk ed. Mycd funt rana. Ryja vih yht ahzuo bmyoehk ynuiht fedr ed. Vun vammuf pmukkanc, syopa fa luimt cdynd y lussihedo icehk syehmo Ym Prat. Esykeha. =)

=)

Cumdiruk dy
사랑해선 안될 사람 (Duet With 별)

Pa
Kim Dong Wan

Ecpol
Kimdongwan is